I was depressed once. For 3 or 4 months. It was new and weird and...normal.
I never knew how some of my friends really felt when they told me they felt depressed. I felt empathetic and sad for them, but I didn’t understand. Not until I felt it myself.
I would label my experience with depression as mild. I don’t know if that is accurate but that is what I am going to rate it. I was still highly functioning, but I was not myself. I don’t ever remember feeling happy those months, even if I was laughing with family or a friend, I felt an emptiness. I have never felt so apathetic, nothingness in my life.
There were also moments of deep sadness and extreme negative self talk, a constant feeling of unworthiness, I felt lost.
I was never suicidal, but I had strange thoughts of not being alive and feeling totally normal, or I guess again, apathetic about the thought. Many times I would be driving and thought “A semi could take me out and I would feel nothing, that would be okay”.
What I have read about this, you could also label my experience as ‘Situational Depression’ versus ‘Clinical Depression’. It was short term and after some big changes in my life. It only lasted 3 or 4 months and didn’t majorly affect my day to day, I was functioning, if you were around me you may not even have noticed.
So, fast forward almost 3 years later and my little grey cloud of depression still comes to visit from time to time. Now, I recognize it. I don’t know if I felt it before 3 years ago, maybe I did, but I honestly do not remember. I am very aware of the feeling now.
Have I thought “Oh no, is this going to be another 4 months of feeling this way? Will I have to deal with this forever? What is wrong with me? Is it chemical? Hormonal? Genetic? Situational?” Yes, all those thoughts I have thought. However, not anymore.
If I notice my thoughts going down negative lane, I stop. They do not serve me, they make my feeling of depression worse. This was a practice to learn how to become so aware of my thoughts that I could stop that negative thought train before it took me too far down the tracks.
I believe I am normal. I have learned that when I over analyze an emotion and criticize it or make it mean there is something wrong with me, it just makes it worse. Makes sense. I still may wonder why my depressing days come, but from a place of non judgment and complete curiosity. It is so fascinating this human brain of mine. There is nothing wrong with me and I refuse to think there is.
So, I say “Hi my little grey cloud, how long will you be here?” I never get an answer but that is okay. I don’t run from it, hide from it, fight it...I allow it. Does this make it go away? No. Does it make it easier, lighter? Yes.
Don’t beat yourself up if you have been experiencing or still deal with depression. There is nothing wrong with you. If your depression persists, please go see someone. Talk to someone. It helped me and I know it could help you. Allow it and don’t judge it. Most humans experience depression in their life.
You are not alone. You are normal. And, might as well remind you while I am at it… You are loved, worthy and capable.
With love,
Emily Elizabeth